21 Things You Wish You Could Say At Work 

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it. 

2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. 

3. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word. 

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 

5. Ah, I see the screw up fairy has visited again. 

6. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 

7. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 

8. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 

9. Someday we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject. 

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 

11. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 

12. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 

13. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 

14. What am I? Flypaper for geeks? 

15. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. It's a thankless job, but I've got Karma to burn off.

18. No, my powers can be used only for good.

19. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

21. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?

17 THINGS THAT TOOK ME A LONG TIME TO LEARN

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

17. Your friends love you, anyway!