ATC Humor  

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world. Remember that the conversations are heard by all pilots on that frequency in that area.  

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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" 

Delta 351: "Give us another hint!  We have digital watches!"

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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."  

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"  

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"  

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"  

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"  

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"  

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."  

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."  

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.  While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"  

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."  

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. 

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.  If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."  

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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."  Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.  "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach." 

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Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.  After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.  A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"  "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"  explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."  

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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"  

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."  

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in  Germany .  Why must I speak English?"  

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."  

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on  frequency 124.7"  

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.  By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."  

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,  contact Departure on frequency 124.7.  Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"  

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."  

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.  The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.  Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane.   Did you make it all by yourself?"  The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts.  Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."  

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.  So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.  

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."  

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."  The PA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.  

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"  

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location  now."  

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"  

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."  

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While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.  An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?!  I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!  You turned right on Delta!  Stop right there.  I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"  Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up!  It'll take forever to sort this out!  You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I  tell you!  You got that, US Air 2771?"  "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.  Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.  Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.  Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.  Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?" 

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Qantas Airlines

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe 
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the 
form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' 
pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) 
by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an 
accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.